Help! I just caught my partner cheating.
My partner was always on his phone and even when he was home, he didn’t seem present. He’d stay up after I went to bed saying he had work to do and started going for runs saying he was trying to get fit. It felt like we were drifting apart, and I didn’t know why. The other night I woke around 3am and checked his phone. I found he was sending messages to someone on WhatsApp. At that moment my heart sank.
Does this sound familiar?
Discovering your partner has been unfaithful is one of the hardest issues you’ll hopefully never have to deal with in a relationship. However, if you unfortunately find yourself in this situation here’s the first steps you should take.
First steps
1. If you’ve discovered the infidelity by checking your partner’s phone or laptop, take screen shots and send the details to your own phone or email. While this may feel sneaky, I suggest you do it for two reasons. Firstly, it gives you time to digest what you’ve discovered. Secondly, it will assist to counteract potential gaslighting or denial which is very common after affair discovery.
2. Don’t automatically confront your partner. Try and find a time where you won’t be disturbed, and you can have the conversation in person. Don’t do it while the kids are at home! Either wait for them to be at school or arrange for them to be looked after. NEVER engage in “discussion” via text or email.
3. Expect denial, gaslighting, minimisation, anger, and avoidance. Rather than demand the truth immediately, tell your partner you’d like them to think about what you’re saying and to come back to you within the hour. During that time ask them to not use their phone or laptop. (Most people when caught instinctively try and erase all the data and contact the affair partners.) It is VERY rare that you will receive the complete truth when you first confront your partner.
4. Don’t reveal everything you know or discovered. Instead tell your partner that you need them to tell you what happened and it’s not your job to tell them. Partners often ask for what you know and then minimise what you tell them while not revealing the full details.
5. Give yourself time to digest the information and don’t hastily end the relationship. If you would like your partner to stay somewhere else for a day or two that’s okay but don’t make it permanent. You are in control of what happens and deserve to give yourself time. (Sometimes partners will offer to leave as a way of avoiding discussing the affair. They should only leave if YOU want to them to.)
6. Ensure children (including teens and young adults) are not exposed to your discussions or overhear arguing, distress etc. A child’s view of their parents should be protected.
What to ask your partner once you’ve told them.
Explain to your partner it’s important you know the details so you can start to heal. Their choices have hurt you, if they withhold information about the length of time and number of partners it results in an open wound. The relationship has no chance of repair with an open wound.
Ask your partner to provide the following:
a. When they were first unfaithful (approximate date, month, year).
b. What did they do (e.g., chat online, text, meet in person)?
c. How did they communicate with the persons and how often (this includes texts, online messenger groups, emails, phone calls, letters and in person)?
d. Did they meet the persons regardless of what that meeting was for (e.g., sometimes affairs start in the workplace or at the gym)? Where did they meet initially and subsequently?
e. Did the affair involve ANY type of touch?
f. Did they have ANY type of sexual contact (including foreplay and oral)?
g. Why didn’t they end it?
Ask them to put this in writing.
DO NOT ASK FOR DETAILS ABOUT THE SEXUAL CONTACT.
This is to protect you. Knowing your partner has had sexual contact of any kind is enough. You do not need to know what type, positions etc. Knowing too much detail increases your risks of flashbacks, triggers, and trauma. Protect yourself by not demanding this detail!
Finally, set a date that you’ll reflect on everything before making any permanent decisions. Only you (and your counsellor) should know this date. Do not tell your partner. I recommend this be a 4 to 6 weeks from the date of discovery. During that time make notes on how you are feeling and what your partner is doing. Note any positive steps your partner is taking. Keeping notes of both the positive and negative can help you make a more calculated decision about your future.
Looking for resources?
There’s lots of books, blogs, podcasts, YouTube videos on infidelity. A LOT of them are not useful! Resist searching endlessly for answers. No book, podcast etc will be able to explain why infidelity happened in YOUR relationship and why your partner did it. Counselling is a way of addressing your specific issues. As a starting point I recommend the following two books:
After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner is unfaithful. Janis Spring
Healing from Infidelity: The divorce busting guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair. Michele Weiner-Davis
Discovering your partner has had an affair is traumatic. What to do next is confusing. Hopefully these ideas will help start you on your journey. Remember recovering from infidelity takes longer than the period of infidelity. It’s going to be awhile before you start to feel settled.
Finally, relationships can heal after infidelity if both you and your partner are prepared to do the hard work.
All the best.
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Michelle Thomson is the Principal Psychologist & Director of Port Phillip Psychology with over 29 years’ experience. Her passion is helping couples navigate relationship challenges particularly infidelity.