I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn’t mean to hurt you
Cheater. A simple word that packs a punch. A punch in the guts that leaves you winded and in pain for years. Take note all the potential cheaters out there your actions will have a long-term impact that is far more devastating than you can ever imagine.
After years of working with couples rocked by infidelity, I can tell you what your cheating partner will say before he or she says it.
“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t love her.”
“We were just friends.”
“It was only sex.”
“I was never going to leave you.”
“You said you weren’t interested in sex anymore.”
“I love you.”
“I never wanted our marriage to end.”
“The kids will be fine.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
But this is the reality:
You are sorry because of the impact being caught has had on YOU.
You didn’t love your partner in the way they loved you.
It’s never “just sex”.
Of course, you wouldn’t leave when you can have your cake and eat it too! Saying you would never leave doesn’t earn instant forgiveness.
The kids will be hurt long term, they may not show it when they’re young, but it will affect their future relationships.
Intent makes little difference. It doesn’t make the trauma any less.
It’s a very long road to recovery for the partner who is betrayed.
In my experience, the cheater can learn from his or her mistakes and quickly take steps to repair their relationship. They are highly motivated to change and usually embrace counselling and all the “homework” suggestions and changes required. They are hopeful that the changes they make will be enough to get the relationship back to normal.
The betrayed partner doesn’t start to heal until they are confident the cheater won’t cheat again. This can take months or even years before they start to heal. While they need counselling and support, it can leave them resentful, “why should I have to change, I didn’t cheat”.
If you’re the cheater don’t think your change means your partner will heal. You need to do your own counselling and address the issues that made you ignore your values, vows and morals. You need to look beyond the surface and address your insecurities, your needs versus wants and family issues. You need to support your partner through their trauma and healing and be patient knowing it can take years to fully heal.
To the betrayed please know that you didn’t cause your partner to cheat. Regardless of the weaknesses in the relationship, and whatever was going on for you (if anything), the act of cheating is a choice. Counselling with a therapist skilled in betrayal will help you heal. Time alone will not be enough. I have witnessed too many partners focus on getting the cheater help while overlooking their own needs. You didn’t deserve this pain but sadly it’s you who now has to deal with it.
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Michelle Thomson is the Principal Psychologist & Director of Port Phillip Psychology with over 25 years’ experience. Her passion is helping couples navigate relationship challenges particularly infidelity. She is the mum to an amazing teenager and the slave to her mischievous Beagle, Miley.