All Exes are Narcissists!
All Exes are Narcissists!
You know the saying, “if I had a dollar for every time someone said…”.?
Well, if I had a dollar for every time someone told me their ex is a Narcissist I probably wouldn’t need to work!
Phrases go through phases and the phrase “My ex is a Narcissist” is definitely a phase. Before it became popular, I’d hear, “My ex is Psycho” or “My ex is an a-hole”.
Truth is if they weren’t a little bit crazy or nasty or a pain in the bum then you’d probably still be in a relationship!
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is quite a rare condition affecting just 0 to 6.2% in community samples, with 50 to 75% men. Many people have traits of a condition but not an actual personality disorder. Traits are characteristics or descriptions of behaviours. We all have both positive and negative personality traits.
Examples of positive personality traits:
Capable
Charming
Confident
Dependable
Independent
Optimistic
Reliable
Trusting
Examples of negative personality traits:
Arrogant
Dishonest
Impulsive
Rude
Sarcastic
Self-Centred
Sneaky
Obnoxious
A Personality Disorder is far deeper than simply a characteristic or trait. It is a persistent pattern of inner experience and behaviour that is very different to what the majority of people within that culture experience. It usually starts in adolescence or early adulthood, doesn’t really change and causes distress or difficulties in functioning. A person with a personality disorder often feels different from other people and will speak about this difference without necessarily understanding why. Approximately 9% of the population have a personality disorder whereas we all have positive and negative traits.
The 10 main personality disorders are:
Paranoid personality disorder: distrust and suspicious of others.
Schizoid personality disorder: detachment from social relationships and a limited range of emotional expression
Schizotypal personality disorder is a pattern of acute discomfort in close relationships and eccentricities of behaviour.
Antisocial personality disorder is a pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others.
Borderline personality disorder is a pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotion with impulsive behaviour.
Histrionic personality disorder is a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy.
Dependent personality disorder is a pattern of submissive and clinging behaviour associated with the need to be taken care of.
Avoidant personality disorder is a pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation.
Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is a pattern of preoccupation of orderliness perfectionism, and control.
Does my ex have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) usually begins by early adulthood and involves a consistent pattern of grandiose thinking or behaviour across a range of contexts; not just communicating with you! According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition, to qualify for the diagnosis the person needs to display a minimum of five of nine criteria:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. They will exaggerate achievements or talents and expects to be recognised as superior without having done anything extraordinary.
Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
Believes he or she is “special” and unique and can be only understood by other high-status people.
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement. Expects favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
Is interpersonally exploitative. Takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own needs.
Lacks empathy. Is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.
Shows arrogant behaviours or attitudes.
There are several factors that distinguish NPD from other personality disorders the main one being the grandiose nature of the behaviours along with excessive pride in achievements and a lack of emotional connection with others.
Anti-Social personality disorder (ASPD) and NPD are differentiated by the level of aggression, impulsivity and neediness and admiration they require. In ASPD there is not a high need for admiration and praise from others but there is impulsivity and aggression. The person with NPD usually lacks a history of conduct disorder in childhood or criminal behaviour in adulthood that is present in ASPD.
When you think back to the start of your relationship how many of the above criteria would your ex meet? What about a few years ago? How about at work? How about with friends or family? Is there consistency of behaviours across years and situations? If there is then it’s more likely your ex has NPD but if you only started noticing these characteristics as your relationship deteriorated or since separating, then it’s likely your ex is just a dick with narcissistic traits!
Why are so many exes labelled Narcissists?
Relationship breakdowns involve a multitude of emotions. The roller coaster of emotions can span everything from joy to sadness, embarrassment, guilt, regret and anger. Knowing how to deal with these emotions and navigate them throughout the separation will determine how your ex will cope and the actions they are likely to take.
Many people react rather than process their emotions. Channelling all their energy into doing something feels cathartic. This may involve pursuing their ex in court regardless of what they stand to gain or lose or sending multiple text messages criticising their ex.
Having poor communication skills can result in poor choices and actions. Rather than say, “I’m deeply upset that we have separated” they may think “how could they do this to me”. Without good self-awareness, insight and reflection, (known as Emotional Intelligence) the ex can continue their blame game. While this unrelentless attack can make you think they must have a personality disorder what your ex really has is low Emotional intelligence and disregard for others. In effect he or she is simply an a-hole who is making themselves feel good by hurting you!
The good news (if you can see any light at the end of the tunnel) is that narcissistic traits are easier to deal with and usually diminish over time. Your ex will eventually move on and be a dick to someone else. A personality disorder is forever! Everyone who encounters a person with NPD will experience similar distressing behaviours. Being part of a support group can keep you sane (you can find these in Facebook groups or in various forums). If your partner does have NPD I suggest you get professional help from a psychologist and a lawyer.
Navigating a separation alone especially when there are children involved requires a straight jacket for all those days you feel you’re going crazy.
Unless your ex really has NPD I strongly suggest you simply label him or her as a dick, fool, idiot, twat, or any other word you choose but know that this is something you can deal with and it will change over time. How we frame an issue often defines how we will cope.
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Michelle Thomson is the Principal Psychologist & Director of Port Phillip Psychology with over 25 years’ experience. Her passion is helping couples navigate relationship challenges particularly infidelity. She is the mum to an amazing teenager and the slave to her mischievous Beagle, Miley.